Leaving home – again

UNIVERSE WITHIN by Gwen Randall-Young

• The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof. – Richard Bach

Is it ever okay to turn your back on your family? We think of commitment and loyalty as a good thing, but in my experience they can sometimes keep people stuck in situations that are negative and even destructive.

I have often seen the toll an extremely bad marriage can take on an individual’s psychological and physical health. When I ask why they stay, they say it is because they made a commitment. While I think we should be committed in relationships and not bail at the first sign of trouble, when there is no love left for the partner, dread at the sound of their key in the door, no quality of life and the person has been depressed for years, it is time to do something. I think of these kinds of relationships like carbon monoxide poisoning; the individual is so tired of the relationship, but just can’t summon the energy to get out.

It seems more socially acceptable to divorce a spouse than a family or family member, but the toxicity of a family relationship can be even more intense because of the family history. If, for example, one was always criticized as a child, that person may suffer from low self-esteem and a lack of confidence. If the criticism continues into adulthood, it is virtually impossible for that person to heal and live authentically.

As adults, we have the opportunity to discover who we really are and to transcend any limitations put upon us as we grew. It is a sad commentary on our culture that many adults are in therapy to learn how to love and honour themselves, to trust their own inner wisdom and to understand their sole purpose on Earth is not to please everyone.

A healthy family with strong, supportive relationships is a very good thing. Not everyone is so blessed. Some families or individual members can be a source of constant stress, whether or not there is overt conflict.

It is certainly worth trying to talk to family to try to make things better. Such conversations are not always well received, however, especially if the other gets defensive and sees criticism where there was only an attempt to communicate honestly.

Another approach is to try to set healthy boundaries, letting others know what is unacceptable for you. I had to tell one couple it was okay to tell the in-laws they could not keep using their copy of the key to drop in anytime or come in without even knocking.

If a family situation has become so difficult you are losing sleep over it, cannot get it out of your mind and it is affecting the rest of your life and your health, it is okay to disconnect temporarily or permanently, if need be. If you felt bad in your family growing up and they still make you feel that way, you are not sentenced to live with that the rest of your life.

Young adults leave home to gain their independence and start their own journey, hopefully toward their true path. Even though we may not still live there, sometimes we have to leave home for the same reasons.

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Gwen Randall-Young is an author and psychotherapist in private practice. For articles and information about her books, Deep Powerful Change hypnosis CDs and new Creating Healthy Relationships series, visit www.gwen.ca. See display ad this issue.