So, you’re not in a relationship

photo of Gwen Randall-Young

by Gwen Randall-Young

Maturity includes the recognition that no one is going to see anything in us that we don’t see in ourselves. Stop waiting for a producer. Produce yourself.

– Marianne Williamson

You didn’t think it would be like this. All your friends are getting married, having babies, or are older and have someone with whom to retire. It is hard to see others enjoying what you have so wanted to achieve. It might seem as though you are the only one in this situation: everyone is happy except you.

If we have visualized only one acceptable future for ourselves, and it does not materialize, we will naturally be disappointed. However, suppose our path was meant to be different. I believe our souls have an intention in coming here. It is one that will serve our learning and growing. Ego is unaware of that intention, and wants what it wants!

Ego decides we have been shortchanged; we have not been given what we deserve. This is followed by all kinds of self-judgement: “I am not good enough,” “Something must be wrong with me,” or “I will never be happy.” Life can be coloured by a sadness that pervades every day, or an immobilization that finds us waiting for just the right thing to happen.

If we are alone, it is time to get to know ourselves, love ourselves and to be happy with ourselves. The most important relationship we will ever have is the one with ourselves. Many never get to truly develop that.

Relationships with others do not always bring happiness. Look at celebrity marriages where the couples have absolutely anything anyone could want. First comes the big romance, the big ring and the fantasy wedding. In time, they join the close to fifty percent of other marriages that do not last.

Forget the idea that “I will be happy when…” Figure out how to be happy in the here and now, whatever your situation. Pursue your interests, go places and do things you love. Do not think of yourself as half a person because you don’t have an “other half.” If a person is our other half, then we have lost half of ourselves.

Try not to mope or get lost in a sense of loneliness. That is a “glass half empty” perspective. Focus instead on how to nurture, entertain and have fun with yourself. If you are craving love and feel abandoned it is likely because you have abandoned yourself and do not really love yourself. You need someone else to do that for you, to make you feel you have value.

That is a dangerous perspective going in to a relationship because your partner will inevitably let you down, and when that happens you will fall apart and feel desperate. Your relationship will be based on a constant need to feel validated by your partner and that is not his or her job. It is yours.

Learn to find happiness in yourself. Choose to be happy. It is a choice. And when you have accomplished this, and only then, will you live “happily ever after”.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and psychotherapist in private practice. For articles and information about her books, “Deep Powerful Change” hypnosis CDs and “Creating Effective Relationships” series, visit ‘Like’ Gwen on Facebook for daily inspiration.

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