UNIVERSE WITHIN by Gwen Randall-Young
Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are.
– Rachel Naomi Remen
Sometimes it is hard to understand why we, or anyone, would stay in a dysfunctional relationship. Often, we see patterns repeating, as when one gets out of one abusive relationship and into another. There is also the pattern where a parent was an alcoholic and the child grows up and marries an alcoholic, ultimately divorces, only to get involved with another alcoholic.
On the surface, this isn’t very smart and the pattern seems so obvious that it should be easy to avoid. However, it has nothing to do with intelligence. Even the brightest, most aware and competent individuals fall into the trap.
When we remain in situations that are not good for us and make no sense, we can be sure that unconscious patterns, drives or beliefs are “corrupting” our “operating system.” One who was verbally abused as a child may, deep down, feel unworthy or undeserving of being treated with respect. The adult child of an alcoholic parent who was unpredictable or emotionally volatile may put up with similar behaviours in a partner because it is familiar. The man who had a domineering and controlling mother or the woman who had an uncommunicative and distant father may be re-living these dynamics with a partner because they think this is just how men/women are.
Those who had a dysfunctional childhood may tend to stay in dysfunctional adult relationships much longer than is healthy, continuing to hope, as they did in childhood, that one day things will be better. Yet it does not get better and so daily adult life is a struggle, just as life was a struggle for the child. The struggle and suffering continue and become “the story of my life.”
We do, however, have the power to change the story, but it does not start with trying to change the other person. It must begin with establishing a positive and more respectful relationship with oneself. It requires us to develop the ability to be the wise, loving, nurturing supportive parent to our own inner child. It is not the wise adult who keeps us stuck; it is the vulnerable inner child.
Together they can say, “Been there, done that and I don’t want to do it anymore. I won’t do it anymore.”
If you recognize this is your pattern and you want to change it, your first loyalty has to be to your own health and well-being. Experiencing relationship stress most of the time or having poor self-esteem and reduced self-confidence and not doing anything about it is not honouring yourself.
The true coming-of-age in these situations is when you may not know what else is out there or what the future will hold and you may even be scared, but you gather up all of your strength and courage and take yourself away from the person or situation that is not good for you. In this way, you begin to break the pattern that has kept you stuck and give yourself the opportunity to have the life you deserve.
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Gwen Randall-Young is an author and psychotherapist in private practice. For more of Gwen’s articles and information about her books, Self Care CDs and the new Creating Healthy Relationships series, visit www.gwen.ca. See display ad this issue.
