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Open hearted communication

UNIVERSE WITHIN by Gwen Randall-Young

 

Seek first to understand, then to be understood. This principle is the key to effective interpersonal communication. 
– Stephen Covey

Imagine a kindergarten class about to have “show and tell.” Every student in the class has a hand up, waving excitedly because each wants to go first. When one finally goes first, a few pay attention, but many are thinking about what they will say when it is their turn. Others are just waiting for the speaker to finish so they can raise their hand quickly and maybe be the lucky one to go next.

When the speaker is done and the teacher tells the class they may now ask questions of the speaker, invariably some students will ignore what the speaker said and rather than ask a question, they simply tell a story of their own. Basically, everyone wants to talk and no one wants to listen. After all, this is kindergarten and children that age are expected to be ego-driven.

Ironically, however, many adult conversations, especially disagreements, seem to be conducted much like our kindergarten students. Each person is arguing their point or position. Rather than really listening to the other or having a real conversation, the discussion is a battle to try to get the other to see things their way and change their mind. No wonder so many couples say they have communication problems.

The word “communication” comes from the root “commune,” which means to be in a state of intimate, heightened sensitivity and receptivity. This would imply a level of closeness and being very open and sensitive not only to the words, but to the intent and the feelings of the other. Being receptive is defined as: able or inclined to receive; especially: open and responsive to ideas, impressions or suggestions.

To truly communicate, we would need to be both sensitive and receptive to the other person. I would suggest that sensitivity and receptivity are higher-level qualities that need to be developed. Indeed, as in our kindergarten example, when very young children like what is happening and things are going their way, it is good. If not, it is bad. Their inner ego-response becomes their compass for assessing where they are in their world.

Of course, this also describes the ego energy often carried into adulthood. Growing up is not synonymous with being evolved. We live in an ego-based culture and one really does need to transcend the values and ways of the culture and often the family of origin to move forward.

We call people heroes when they go out of their way and perhaps even face danger to help another. Mother Teresa, for example, was a model of compassion and unconditional love.

There are countless less famous people who spend their lives listening, learning and understanding the needs of those who are suffering. To my mind, these are people with very open hearts. There is no ego involved here. They only want to help and they desire no recognition.

It is hard to talk to someone who is not open hearted about sensitivity and receptivity. Having meaningful, positive communication is not so much about how we talk, as who we are. For communication to be different, we need to be different. It is not about changing the other person, but striving to change ourselves.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and psychotherapist in private practice. For more of Gwen’s articles and information about her books, Self Care CDs and the new Creating Healthy Relationships series, visit www.gwen.ca. See display ad this issue.

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